Crafts for Assholes

And I'm the asshole who makes them.


THIS JUST IN: only thin people are allowed to have chronic pain or chronic illnesses. Fat people with disabilities will be magically cured by weight loss. More at 11.

(via abeardfullofbees)

Look what my brother made for my birthday!

I call them That Poor Bastard and That Poor Bastard’s Ass.

He also gave me the DVD of Blood Dolls, but the camera crapped out after I took this picture.  It needs new batteries.  Again.

Paper Mache Teacup

[This project is from Ann Wood.]

So I was looking for a useless project that I already had the supplies for, and I stumbled over this..

What you need to make this thing:

  • pattern, printed out (downloadable from website)
  • pencil
  • thin cardboard, like a cereal box (mine was backing some scrapbook paper)
  • slightly thicker cardboard
  • scissors
  • craft knife (optional)
  • bone folder (optional)
  • tape (instructions say shiny Scotch tape, but I didn’t have that so I grabbed the more traditional masking)
  • paste or white glue (NO “washable” glue, please)
  • paper of some sort to paste or glue
  • paintbrushes
  • acrylic paint or whatever you want to decorate it with
  • varnish (optional)
  • waxed paper or kitchen parchment (to protect work surface from glue & stuff)
  • newspaper (optional, but I put the bits of paper on it before I brushed them with glue)

Once you cut out the pattern, trace the cup part and the handle onto the thin cardboard, and the base onto the thicker cardboard. You probably want to use cardstock or something to make the patterns, because thin paper is a pain in the ass to trace. Cut the stuff out.

It says to score the cup part between sections with the back of a craft knife, but I used a bone folder, as that is one of their stated purposes.
Given the thinness of the cardboard, though, you could do this just as easily with a fucking pencil.

Then I took the whole thing over in front of the computer so I could read the instructions while I followed them. First thing I learned is that you need to make tiny little cuts between the sections, and you should use scissors to do this.

Then you tape the thing together, bottom first, inside and out.

And fasten the gap at the top the same way:

Next comes the tricky part: you have to push the sides out so the whole thing looks more like a teacup, and tape both sides of that, too.


Then it’s time to tape the bottom on. I taped the outside in one direction:

And the inside in the other direction:

For the paper coating I am using the pages of a book. The cover is going to be a journal and some of the pages have water damage.image

The traditional papier mache glue is wheat paste, and there are many recipes available online. However, not being allowed to have flour in the house, I have found that white glue works just as well. Probably not as cheap, though.

Coat the whole thing inside and out. You can stop at one layer, but I found the bottom of the cup was really strong while the sides were kinda flimsy, so I covered the sides twice.

You don’t need to cover the handle piece, but if you do it will be easier shaping it the way you want. I only covered the handle with one layer, and it’s the least sturdy part.

You have to let the things dry before you move on to the next step.

The person who invented this painted a picture on the side, but I was pressed for time and didn’t want to depend on my artistic skills.

I cut out pictures from the book’s title page and glued them onto the cup. After the glue had dried, I used a tiny brush to paint around the pictures so there was only a thin white outline around each.

Then I painted the inside of the teacup and the handle. After they dried, I painted the outside (only getting paint on ONE of the pictures!) and went to bed.

When I got up, I did some touch-ups and used tacky glue to put on the handle.

Once that was done, I did more touch-ups. I have no justification for all the time I spent trying to eliminate white spots on this fucking thing. It’s probably the perfectionist in me.

Once the glue and the paint had dried (again), I went to varnish the whole thing and found that the varnish I’d picked out had gone clumpy.

So I used Triple Thick instead. The thing about Triple Thick is that it can take off your paint if it isn’t entirely dry.

I coated the bottom of the cup, let the glaze dry and coated the rest.

(I’m sorry about the quality of the pictures, my hands shake and the camera I usually use is having battery issues again..)

Some fucking perfectionist.

time: 24 hours
cost: I had everything, but the components are about $15.00 US—assuming you already have paintbrushes, newspaper, scissors, and white glue or flour and water
injuries: a few hand cramps, some while typing this

You can buy a lopsided paper teacup here.

By the way, thanks to fucking up shipping labels on some ebay orders (sorry Kelsey, I’m working on it), I don’t have any money in paypal to pay my etsy bills—so if somebody could buy about $20 worth of stuff, I’d really appreciate it.

You like chocolate cake, right?

I could not find a project to do this week, because I am broke and I owe taxes and everything I found needed me to go out and buy something.  So, here we are.

Back when my brother and I made broccoli monsters, I linked to a recipe for cake that has since disappeared from the web.  So I thought I’d put it up here—and also the frosting, because I love you fuckers.

Super-Rich Chocolate Cake

  • 2 cups sugar 
  • 1 cup softened butter 
  • 2 eggs 
  • 1 teaspoon vanilla 
  • 2 and 1/2 cups unbleached white flour 
  • 1 and 1/2 teaspoon baking soda 
  • 1/2 teaspoon salt 
  • 1 cup buttermilk or sour milk 
  • 2/3 cup cocoa 
  • 2/3 cup boiling water

Preheat oven to 350º F.

Grease and flour 2 round or square  cake pans (Or use one big rectangular pan). [Hint: use cocoa instead of flour.]

Cream together butter and sugar. Add eggs one at a time, beating well after each addition. Mix in vanilla. Mix together the flour, baking soda, and salt. Add this to the egg mixture slowly, alternating with the sour milk. In a separate, smaller bowl, make a heavy smooth paste of cocoa and boiling water, adding more cocoa if needed. Cool slightly, add to batter and blend well.

Pour into prepared pans and bake for about 35 minutes, or until inserted pick comes out clean.


  • Using a mixer is easier, but my dad says he’s done both this recipe and the frosting by hand.
  • You can make sour milk by pouring a little vinegar into a cup of good milk and letting it sit a little while.

Fluffy Cocoa Frosting

  • 3/4 cup cocoa
  • 4 cups (1 box) confectioner’s sugar
  • 1/2 cup (1 stick) butter, softened
  • 1 teaspoon vanilla
  • 1/2 cup evaporated (NOT CONDENSED) milk

Cream some of the sugar into the softened butter, them mix in a little of the milk.  Keep adding those alternately, making sure the frosting doesn’t get too thick or too runny.  Add the cocoa and vanilla when you feel like it.  If you don’t add the cocoa, you have vanilla frosting!


  • Always wait until the cake is entirely cool to frost it.  In fact, wait until the cake is entirely cool to make the frosting.  If the cake still has residual heat, it will melt the frosting and you will have cake in a frosting puddle.

I don’t have any pictures of this cake in action because I haven’t been able to make it since my dad discovered his gluten allergy.  It’s a shame, this was our go-to birthday cake.

Here’s a photo of a broccoli monster:


I did an ATC exchange last month, these are the ones I made.

I’ve been working on these since Saturday.  The pendants are now necklaces and I finished the chains this morning.  They’re all glass glued to things.

If you like them, check them out in my store.

Now I have to find a really fast project for this week..

In Which I Waste Spray Paint

Gilded Apple

[This project is from Instant Gratification Ornaments by Genevieve A. Sterbenz.]

What you need to make this thing:

  • a fake apple (don’t use real fruit, okay?)
  • gold spray paint
  • foil roasting pan
  • water
  • newspaper

Set your stuff up outside. Newspaper goes under the foil pan, which is filled with water.

Unless you want to mop up a succession of puddles leading out the door, it is probably best to fill the pan with water once you have it in place.

Not that I would know anything about that, of course. Ahem.

Once you have spilled water all over the fucking house and cleaned it back up, spray the water with the gold spray paint.

And dip your apple in it. The result will be something like this:

The apple also flipped itself and did this:

Let the paint dry and repeat the process. This is supposed to create a “webbed or speckled pattern,” which.. well.. not so much.

This might be heavy enough to be a paperweight, but probably not.

I think I’ll find some pretty girls and make them fight for it.

time: about 3 hours
cost: $9.00 US
what I’m going to be doing all weekend: trying to get gold paint off my thumbnails

You can buy a golden apple here.


Faux Porcelain Vase

[This project is from Design*Sponge at Home.]

What you need to make this thing:

  • bottle (mine has a raised pattern—the book also says you can use cans)
  • white spray paint
  • white puffy paint (optional)
  • newspaper

The original project calls for putting a design on your bottle or can with white puff paint. Guess what I don’t have.

However, my brother DID buy this weird energy drink in a bottle with a raised pattern already on it. He gave me the bottle, and here we go.

The idea is to spray the bottle with white paint until it looks like porcelain.

This did not work so fucking well.

But I worked on it a while. Started picking it up and spraying all around. It also helps to let it dry between coats. This is what I wound up with:

You can almost not see the blue through the white!

The moral of the story is only do this with clear bottles.

time: around six hours
cost: $6.35 US for spray paint (add up to 6 bucks more if buying puffy paint too)
injuries: fume headache

I got a sample of faux suede from Spoonflower (pattern by rosalarian) and decided I’d make a tiny book with it.

But I fucked up when I thought I could get away with using the cloth without backing it with paper first.  It wouldn’t stick to the bookboard!  I had to smash the cover under weights for a couple of hours before I could finish the book—and as you can see, the corners are all screwed up.

Not sure what to do with it now..

Spirit Doll

[This project is from Wild With a Glue Gun by Kitty Harmon and Christina Stickler.]

The instructions in this book are REALLY vague. I’m sure if you had a clearer idea of what you were doing or wanted to do with this project, it would come out better. Still doofy-looking, but maybe with a personal meaning or some shit.

But this is what happened.

What you need to make this thing:

  • wire and/or pipe cleaners
  • scraps of fabric (there is no specification in the book, but I’m guessing longer and thinner are better)
  • scissors
  • cotton balls or stuffing
  • embellishments like.. shiny things, I guess?
  • I used glue, but it’s not mentioned in the book so it’s probably cheating

Okay, first you make the body, like so:

Then you add the arms (these may have come out a TAD short):

Give that torso some padding:

Then you wrap the whole thing in scraps of fabric. I had some felt and strips of t-shirt. I used glue to keep the felt where I sort of wanted it. The cotton shirt was easier, and I guess because the glue soaked through, the strips of shirt were also easier to keep in place. I stuffed a couple cotton balls into the head part.

The problem is, by the time I finshed wrapping the doll, I had something best described as “fucking ridiculous.”

And I really couldn’t think of any way to add more shit to it that wouldn’t make things worse.

So I added some eyes and called it a day.

Yeah, I don’t think I’ll be selling this one..

time: about half an hour, probably more if you try to do it right
cost: REALLY depends on what you use to make the thing
injuries: poked my fingers with the wire a few times

A question!

Should I do an “about” page?

If so, what should I put on it?

Magic nose goblins?

In Which We Look At Pictures

It’s been a really busy week for me, so I thought we’d check out some projects I don’t have the money, room and/or courage for—and I’ll try to make you something this weekend.

The Complete Book of Candles and Candlemaking

What everyone needs in their home is a flammable object covered in candles. It’s festive!

Better Homes & Gardens Christmas: 101 Wondrous Ideas

Make fake, light-up icicles and hang them on your porch, because some of the neighbors STILL won’t cross to the other side of the street when they see you coming.

Upcycling Celebrations

Don’t have enough bottles around? Turn giant light bulbs into bottles with corks and electical tape! Paint words on them! Have some more wine.

The Practical Guide to Crafting With Mosaics, Ceramics & Glassware

Cover a chair with shards so it will be REALLY uncomfortable. Give it to someone you hate.


Just haul a broken concrete block into your house and stick candles on it. Keep it on your floor. The cats were getting annoying anyway.

This book was a pain in the ass to make.  160 pages.  Heavy, too.  So I hope someone likes it enough to pay for it.

I put all the books I’ve made in their own section in my etsy store, to make it easier to find them.

Pride Pins

It’s the Fourth of July, or Independence Day in the US, next week, and I finally remembered this book of “patriotic” crafts in time to do something about it.

Around here we celebrate the Fourth with cookouts and so many fireworks it’s the best night of the year to shoot someone—but the retailers would also like you to celebrate by dressing like the flag.

I once saw “patriotic” clown shoes in a catalog. CLOWN SHOES.

EDIT: I found them.

[This project is from Celebrate the Red, White & Blue.]

What you need to make these things:

  • flattened glass marbles
  • acrylic paint in red, white & blue
  • paint brush or two
  • something to put the paint in
  • waxed paper or kitchen parchment to keep paint off the work surface
  • strong glue (I’m using Household Goop again)
  • something to apply glue with
  • pin backs

Okay, you’re supposed to paint your design on TOP of the marble. Not only does this not make much sense, but there is a photo of one pin where the design was clearly painted on the back of the marble and it’s by far the nicest one.

But I am following the fucking instructions here.

The problem with brushing paint onto glass is that it spreads very thinly and you will need more than one coat. However, I discovered that if you use the brush in a dabbing motion instead, you get more paint on the glass and you can skip that second coat bullshit.

This technique IS a little bit sloppier, though.

Make sure the first color is dry before you add the next one, obviously. Dabbed paint will take some extra time to dry.

Since these are glass you could probably make the design more permanent by using enamel paints and baking the things. But once again, I’m following the goddamn INSTRUCTIONS.

Once the painting is done and dry, smear some glue on the flat side near the top of your design and press in the pins. Jewelry and Metal glue would also work here.

Let the glue cure, and presto!


time: about 4 hours
cost: around $6.00 US
injuries: none

You can buy these “patriotic” things here.