Crafts for Assholes

And I'm the asshole who makes them.

Sparkles on a Half Shell

This FUCKING project..

[This project is from Beadalicious by Sonya Nimri.]

I made a lot of substitutions in this project, so I just put what I used in the ingredients list.  If you  want to make this RIGHT, get ahold of the book.

What you need to make this thing:

  • half of a shallow seashell (here I am using what I think is a scallop shell)
  • white glue
  • paintbrush for spreading glue
  • glitter
  • "focus beads"
  • seed beads
  • other shiny stuff (here I used tiny sequins)
  • something to support shell on (here I used a soda pop cap)
  • Mod Podge Dimensional Magic™
  • metal charm of some sort
  • Household Goop glue (I wanted to use jewelry & metal glue, but see below)
  • waxed paper or kitchen parchment to protect work surface

The first step is to spread white glue over the inside of the shell and sprinkle glitter on it.  I’m not allowed to use glitter in the house, so I took everything outside. The glitter I’m using is in tiny bottles originally intended for nail art.

I made a little windbreak so the shell didn’t blow away and rested it on a bottle cap to dry.

I took it inside for the next step, which is to glue “focus beads” into the glittered shell with white glue.  For these beads I used a glass bead from a kit I bought at a thrift store.  It had split in half.

The book also calls for seed beads and “assorted other small beads,” but doesn’t tell you what to do with them.  I just globbed on some glue and tossed the seed beads on top of them.

Do NOT do this.  That goddamn blob of glue took for-fucking-EVER to dry.  About 12 hours.  I’m not shitting you.

I got so bored that I smeared on more glue with my finger and tried adding a tiny bit more glitter and some little sequins. (Also intended for nail art.  I’d show you the package, but it’s basically the same as the one in the first picture.)

At eight in the morning the glue looked clear, so I moved on to the next step.  The book wants you to fill the shell with resin, but 1: I didn’t have the kind required, 2: that shit costs $21 US and 3: I am worth $54 US and change at the moment.

So I decided to use the Mod Podge Dimensional Magic™ instead because I have it and this seems to kind of be its stated purpose.

Then I was overcome with exhaustion and went back to bed.

When I got up I thought at first that the Mod Podge hadn’t dried, but it seems that pouring Dimensional Glaze™ over tacky glue makes the tacky glue go all white again.  Also there is a HOLE in the glaze right over the bead half on the right.  Oh well, this was gonna be ugly anyway.

Next you are to glue the charm to the top of the shell and make sure the loop extends over the shell.  It’s an anchor in the book, so of course I couldn’t find one.  Found a dolphin, though!

As far as I can tell the loop is so you can also use the pin as a necklace.

I was going to use jewelry and metal glue for this, but I must have fucked up last time I used the stuff because IT WOULD NOT OPEN.  I even tried pliers.  A knife was out of the question because this sort of glue would just bond right to it.

So I got the trusty Household Goop out of my toolbox and used that.  These people should sponsor me, I use their glue so much.

The only problem with the Goop is that it doesn’t set right away.  You have to wait two hours for it to cure.

The book says use hot glue to attach a pin to the back, which struck me as an easy way for the shell to fall off the fucking pin while you wear it, so I used Goop for that too:

More waiting later:

time: about a day and a half
cost: around $19 US, add 14 bucks or so more if you use resin
injuries: frustration headache

You can buy this fantastic nautical pin here.

Do what now? (sorry, source is lost in time.)

Do what now? (sorry, source is lost in time.)

I almost made one of these for this blog, but I couldn’t get tile filler.  It woulda looked just like this, I bet.

I almost made one of these for this blog, but I couldn’t get tile filler.  It woulda looked just like this, I bet.

Anonymous asked: is it racist when someone says i hate white people?


Yeah, I heard this is why white people make less money, are disproportionately targeted by the justice system and have fewer educational opportunities.

In which I apologize once again for not having an update

I have a really good excuse this time!

Last week I found out that my problem reading dates and my procrastination when it comes to filling out forms meant that my food stamps and medicaid got cut off.  This is depressing.  However!  I am working on it.  This is not the excuse, just some background.

My computer won’t work.  It is a big rectangular gray brick right now.  And all of my three years of scanning library books for projects are on it.  Not to mention my only photos of my great-niece and 12 years of cat photos.

Since I am using my stepmother’s computer when she’s not on it, I did not really have the time to find a project online.

Sorry.  Maybe next week?

So sometimes when I take the pages out of a cover so I can make it into a journal I do this.  Here are eight books with new, soft covers.  I did the labels and junk.

Given the amount of work I put into them, the price I’m asking on etsy is cheap, but I don’t know if anyone actually wants this much ’70s romance in their lives.

Mom’s Cake With a File Inside

[This project is from Criminal Crafts by Shawn Gascoyne-Bowman.]

What you need to make this thing:

  • oven
  • cake mix
  • ingredients cake mix calls for
  • electric mixer or big spoon and bowl or something
  • rubber scraper
  • baking pan (or pans, depending on mix)
  • a little butter for the pan
  • a spoonful of cocoa for the pan if you’re using chocolate mix—flour if you’re not
  • toothpicks
  • cooling rack (optional, I guess you can also just put the pan on a burner)
  • something to put cake on to frost it
  • butter knife to loosen sides of cake
  • sharp knife
  • item(s) for stashing in cake
  • plastic wrap
  • ingredients for frosting or canned frosting
  • something with which to spread frosting

This project called for a two-layer cake but my mix only made one layer.  Oh well.

First of all, grease the bottom of the cake pan(s) with butter.  Coat the butter with flour if you are not doing chocolate cake, and cocoa if you are.

Preheat the oven according to box directions and start mixing the batter the way they tell you.

Mine was “just throw everything in the bowl and turn on the mixer,” which struck me as odd.

I made one layer and a small cupcake:

Bake according to directions as well.  I am pretty sure you can do this with from scratch cake too, but this is what the book called for.

Once the pan is cool enough that you can touch it, remove the cake from the pan and transfer it to where you’ll frost it.

Let the cake cool entirely.

Wrap the object(s) you intend to conceal inside the cake with plastic wrap.

Instead of hiding a file in the big cake, I went with a cel phone, as it is way smaller and easier to conceal.  The book also suggested handcuffs—but obviously a handcuff KEY would be much more useful.

I just pushed the key into the side of the cupcake.

Cut a big wedge out of the cake (if you’re doing a layer cake, this would be the top layer).

Then use your sharp knife to cut a space for the hidden object inside the wedge.

Put the stuffed wedge back into the cake—and there appears to be a problem:

Oh well, we’ll just fix that shit with the frosting.

Yeah, that’s not conspicuous at ALL.

Let the frosting set.  Go eat your extra cake bits.

Here are the results:

PLEASE never give someone a piece of cake or cupcake with something hidden in it without fucking TELLING them.  They could choke, or chip a tooth.

Also, this would not work to sneak an object anywhere there is security.  Don’t try that.  You’d get in trouble, and they’d take your cake (and perhaps your innocence) away.

time: around 4 hours
cost: I’m not sure, probably more than $20 US, it depends on ingredients
injuries: none this time, sorry


THIS JUST IN: only thin people are allowed to have chronic pain or chronic illnesses. Fat people with disabilities will be magically cured by weight loss. More at 11.

(via abeardfullofbees)

Look what my brother made for my birthday!

I call them That Poor Bastard and That Poor Bastard’s Ass.

He also gave me the DVD of Blood Dolls, but the camera crapped out after I took this picture.  It needs new batteries.  Again.

Paper Mache Teacup

[This project is from Ann Wood.]

So I was looking for a useless project that I already had the supplies for, and I stumbled over this..

What you need to make this thing:

  • pattern, printed out (downloadable from website)
  • pencil
  • thin cardboard, like a cereal box (mine was backing some scrapbook paper)
  • slightly thicker cardboard
  • scissors
  • craft knife (optional)
  • bone folder (optional)
  • tape (instructions say shiny Scotch tape, but I didn’t have that so I grabbed the more traditional masking)
  • paste or white glue (NO “washable” glue, please)
  • paper of some sort to paste or glue
  • paintbrushes
  • acrylic paint or whatever you want to decorate it with
  • varnish (optional)
  • waxed paper or kitchen parchment (to protect work surface from glue & stuff)
  • newspaper (optional, but I put the bits of paper on it before I brushed them with glue)

Once you cut out the pattern, trace the cup part and the handle onto the thin cardboard, and the base onto the thicker cardboard. You probably want to use cardstock or something to make the patterns, because thin paper is a pain in the ass to trace. Cut the stuff out.

It says to score the cup part between sections with the back of a craft knife, but I used a bone folder, as that is one of their stated purposes.
Given the thinness of the cardboard, though, you could do this just as easily with a fucking pencil.

Then I took the whole thing over in front of the computer so I could read the instructions while I followed them. First thing I learned is that you need to make tiny little cuts between the sections, and you should use scissors to do this.

Then you tape the thing together, bottom first, inside and out.

And fasten the gap at the top the same way:

Next comes the tricky part: you have to push the sides out so the whole thing looks more like a teacup, and tape both sides of that, too.


Then it’s time to tape the bottom on. I taped the outside in one direction:

And the inside in the other direction:

For the paper coating I am using the pages of a book. The cover is going to be a journal and some of the pages have water damage.image

The traditional papier mache glue is wheat paste, and there are many recipes available online. However, not being allowed to have flour in the house, I have found that white glue works just as well. Probably not as cheap, though.

Coat the whole thing inside and out. You can stop at one layer, but I found the bottom of the cup was really strong while the sides were kinda flimsy, so I covered the sides twice.

You don’t need to cover the handle piece, but if you do it will be easier shaping it the way you want. I only covered the handle with one layer, and it’s the least sturdy part.

You have to let the things dry before you move on to the next step.

The person who invented this painted a picture on the side, but I was pressed for time and didn’t want to depend on my artistic skills.

I cut out pictures from the book’s title page and glued them onto the cup. After the glue had dried, I used a tiny brush to paint around the pictures so there was only a thin white outline around each.

Then I painted the inside of the teacup and the handle. After they dried, I painted the outside (only getting paint on ONE of the pictures!) and went to bed.

When I got up, I did some touch-ups and used tacky glue to put on the handle.

Once that was done, I did more touch-ups. I have no justification for all the time I spent trying to eliminate white spots on this fucking thing. It’s probably the perfectionist in me.

Once the glue and the paint had dried (again), I went to varnish the whole thing and found that the varnish I’d picked out had gone clumpy.

So I used Triple Thick instead. The thing about Triple Thick is that it can take off your paint if it isn’t entirely dry.

I coated the bottom of the cup, let the glaze dry and coated the rest.



Some fucking perfectionist.

time: 24 hours
cost: I had everything, but the components are about $15.00 US—assuming you already have paintbrushes, newspaper, scissors, and white glue or flour and water
injuries: a few hand cramps, some while typing this

You can buy a lopsided paper teacup here.

By the way, thanks to fucking up shipping labels on some ebay orders (sorry Kelsey, I’m working on it), I don’t have any money in paypal to pay my etsy bills—so if somebody could buy about $20 worth of stuff, I’d really appreciate it.

You like chocolate cake, right?

I could not find a project to do this week, because I am broke and I owe taxes and everything I found needed me to go out and buy something.  So, here we are.

Back when my brother and I made broccoli monsters, I linked to a recipe for cake that has since disappeared from the web.  So I thought I’d put it up here—and also the frosting, because I love you fuckers.

Super-Rich Chocolate Cake

  • 2 cups sugar 
  • 1 cup softened butter 
  • 2 eggs 
  • 1 teaspoon vanilla 
  • 2 and 1/2 cups unbleached white flour 
  • 1 and 1/2 teaspoon baking soda 
  • 1/2 teaspoon salt 
  • 1 cup buttermilk or sour milk 
  • 2/3 cup cocoa 
  • 2/3 cup boiling water

Preheat oven to 350º F.

Grease and flour 2 round or square  cake pans (Or use one big rectangular pan). [Hint: use cocoa instead of flour.]

Cream together butter and sugar. Add eggs one at a time, beating well after each addition. Mix in vanilla. Mix together the flour, baking soda, and salt. Add this to the egg mixture slowly, alternating with the sour milk. In a separate, smaller bowl, make a heavy smooth paste of cocoa and boiling water, adding more cocoa if needed. Cool slightly, add to batter and blend well.

Pour into prepared pans and bake for about 35 minutes, or until inserted pick comes out clean.


  • Using a mixer is easier, but my dad says he’s done both this recipe and the frosting by hand.
  • You can make sour milk by pouring a little vinegar into a cup of good milk and letting it sit a little while.

Fluffy Cocoa Frosting

  • 3/4 cup cocoa
  • 4 cups (1 box) confectioner’s sugar
  • 1/2 cup (1 stick) butter, softened
  • 1 teaspoon vanilla
  • 1/2 cup evaporated (NOT CONDENSED) milk

Cream some of the sugar into the softened butter, them mix in a little of the milk.  Keep adding those alternately, making sure the frosting doesn’t get too thick or too runny.  Add the cocoa and vanilla when you feel like it.  If you don’t add the cocoa, you have vanilla frosting!


  • Always wait until the cake is entirely cool to frost it.  In fact, wait until the cake is entirely cool to make the frosting.  If the cake still has residual heat, it will melt the frosting and you will have cake in a frosting puddle.

I don’t have any pictures of this cake in action because I haven’t been able to make it since my dad discovered his gluten allergy.  It’s a shame, this was our go-to birthday cake.

Here’s a photo of a broccoli monster:


I did an ATC exchange last month, these are the ones I made.

I’ve been working on these since Saturday.  The pendants are now necklaces and I finished the chains this morning.  They’re all glass glued to things.

If you like them, check them out in my store.

Now I have to find a really fast project for this week..

In Which I Waste Spray Paint

Gilded Apple

[This project is from Instant Gratification Ornaments by Genevieve A. Sterbenz.]

What you need to make this thing:

  • a fake apple (don’t use real fruit, okay?)
  • gold spray paint
  • foil roasting pan
  • water
  • newspaper

Set your stuff up outside. Newspaper goes under the foil pan, which is filled with water.

Unless you want to mop up a succession of puddles leading out the door, it is probably best to fill the pan with water once you have it in place.

Not that I would know anything about that, of course. Ahem.

Once you have spilled water all over the fucking house and cleaned it back up, spray the water with the gold spray paint.

And dip your apple in it. The result will be something like this:

The apple also flipped itself and did this:

Let the paint dry and repeat the process. This is supposed to create a “webbed or speckled pattern,” which.. well.. not so much.

This might be heavy enough to be a paperweight, but probably not.

I think I’ll find some pretty girls and make them fight for it.

time: about 3 hours
cost: $9.00 US
what I’m going to be doing all weekend: trying to get gold paint off my thumbnails

You can buy a golden apple here.


Faux Porcelain Vase

[This project is from Design*Sponge at Home.]

What you need to make this thing:

  • bottle (mine has a raised pattern—the book also says you can use cans)
  • white spray paint
  • white puffy paint (optional)
  • newspaper

The original project calls for putting a design on your bottle or can with white puff paint. Guess what I don’t have.

However, my brother DID buy this weird energy drink in a bottle with a raised pattern already on it. He gave me the bottle, and here we go.

The idea is to spray the bottle with white paint until it looks like porcelain.

This did not work so fucking well.

But I worked on it a while. Started picking it up and spraying all around. It also helps to let it dry between coats. This is what I wound up with:

You can almost not see the blue through the white!

The moral of the story is only do this with clear bottles.

time: around six hours
cost: $6.35 US for spray paint (add up to 6 bucks more if buying puffy paint too)
injuries: fume headache