Crafts for Assholes

And I'm the asshole who makes them.

Baby Head Paperweight

[This project is from The Big-Ass Book of Crafts by Mark Montano.]

"Yes, people will think you’re weird for making this, but that’s okay!"

What you need to make this thing:
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  • baby doll with a hollow head
  • scissors
  • utiity knife
  • plaster of paris
  • water
  • disposable cup for mixing plaster of paris and water
  • craft stick or something else disposable with which to mix plaster of paris and water
  • a bowl or glass to put baby head on so it doesn’t fall over
  • felt
  • newspaper
  • black spray paint
  • spray bottle with water in it
  • gold spray paint
  • Elmer’s glue or tacky glue

First you need a baby doll. I bought mine at a thrift store on half-price day. The doll has to have a hollow head because you will be filling it with plaster. I didn’t think I was going to be able do do this for a while yet, but it turns out my dad already had some plaster of paris and he gave me some. My dad is cool.

I used the scissors to cut the doll head from the cloth body, but then I had to cut some of the neck off so the head would sit steadily. For this gruesome task I used a utility knife with a locking blade.
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I wonder what exactly Mark Montano has against babies.

Mix small amounts of plaster and water and pour them into the head. The damn thing was bigger than it looked, I used more than a cup of water and most of the powder. It was a little too liquidy, but that doesn’t seem to matter. Fill the head as close to the top as you can get:
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The plaster set in less than an hour, but the head stayed oddly warm for a bit longer. This is when I noticed the doll had an odor of some sort. Something sweetish, probably on purpose.

Before I wiped the spilled plaster off the head I put the neck down on a piece of felt to make an imprint of the hole like so:
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And I cut that out.

Clean any stray plaster drips off the head with a damp paper towel or something and take it outside with the newspaper, spray paint and spray bottle. Your spray bottle should have water in it.

First base coat the head with black. The whole spray painting thing is a pain in the ass. It would probably have been easier if I’d had something to stand the head on, but since I didn’t it was a lot of waiting for the paint to dry and moving the head again.
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Also we can’t discount the nightmare factor.

Once the head is all black and dry, spray it with water and hit it with the gold paint. I did this in three coats and waited a half hour between them. That may not have been long enough.
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Yikes.

Once the paint has dried, you’re about done, though I took the final step of coating the felt shape with glue and putting it over the neck hole.
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It will take a while for the glue to dry, but this step will help keep plaster off your papers. (It’s not in the book.)

And who wouldn’t want to hold their papers down with this lovely—
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—fucking nightmare.

time: about 24 hours, all told
cost: $14.65 US (plaster costs about eight bucks in a small container though)
injuries: none physical

You can buy this creepy fucking thing here.

Something scary happened today..

Something scary happened today..

I am very ill.  Follow me on twitter.

I am very ill.  Follow me on twitter.

Bejeweled Spoon Pendant

[This project is from Aleene’s Something from Nothing.]

What you need to make this thing:
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  • plastic spoons
  • candle in a candleholder
  • something with which to light candle
  • Aleene’s Premium-Coat Acrylic paint in gold or black OR gold or black spray paint
  • newspaper
  • tacky glue (don’t tell Aleene I’m fooling around with Elmer)
  • beads and charms and shit like that
  • about 3 feet of some sort of ribbon

"In less than an hour you can be wearing one of these dazzling necklaces."

I bought gold plastic spoons last year for this project. Cost like 3 bucks. I then promptly lost the fucking things, but since they cost so much I didn’t replace them. I found them last week—only to read the instructions again and discover that you’re supposed to paint the damn things.

A box of WHITE plastic spoons costs fifty cents at the supermarket. MOTHER. FUCKER.

The first thing you need to do is take your candle and thing to light the candle and your spoons outside, because I understand that burnt plastic lets off nasty fumes.

It was kind of cold and windy out and I couldn’t wear my jacket because I didn’t want the fake fur around the cuffs to catch fire. Shit, at least it wasn’t raining.

"Hold spoon by bowl end with right side up and place handle of spoon over candle flame."

I THINK this is what they meant:
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Only, you know, lower.

Okay, once the handle starts to bend you are supposed to stick the handle tip into the flame real quick to soften it up and then bend the handle back to the bowl of the spoon:
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The tip of the handle is supposed to stick the the bowl of the spoon, but that only worked once.

"Hold bowl of spoon right side down over candle flame to shape as desired."

Like this?
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I don’t think that’s gonna—
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Nope, it didn’t.

But when I tried to do another one, the wind blew out the candle. I took it as a sign.

Next you are supposed to paint the thing with Aleene’s paint. But this book was written in the 1990s, and you can’t buy that shit in the US now. And it seems the paint I DO have isn’t that great on shiny plastic:
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So I took the fucking thing back outside and spay-painted it.
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So far that’s two hours on this “dazzling necklace.”

And it doesn’t look that much different than it did before I painted it.

Once the paint is dry, stick your beads and charms and whatever in the bowl of the spoon with the tacky glue. I actually spent some time picking this stuff out—not that you can tell.
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It’ll take about 24 hours for your glue to dry clear. Then just put your ribbon therough the loop, tie a knot—
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Oh yeah. Ready for the opera.

time: about 26 hours
cost: about $16 US
injuries: somehow, none

You can buy this dazzling piece of crap here.

In Which I Make a Trophy and a Ring

WARNING: This first project is not for the faint of heart. Keep children and the child-like from viewing this project, and if you are one of the afore-mentioned you’re probably going to want to skip right to the duct tape. Also skip if you’re into that fucking cartoon about multi-colored ponies.

In Danny Seo’s book Upcycling, this appeared:

Toy-Animal Stag Head

[This Project is from Upcycling Celebrations by Danny Seo.]

What you need to make this thing:

  • toy(s) to decapitate
  • small wooden plaques
  • acrylic paint (book says black but I had a VISION)
  • paintbrush
  • something to use as a palette
  • waxed paper or kitchen parchment to keep paint off your work surface
  • tool (knife, scissors, coping saw) to decapitate the toy if the head does not readily come off
  • strong glue like Household Goop
  • toothpick or something else to spread glue

I bought two plaques to do this with last year but they fucking disappeared! I have decided to factor them into the final cost instead of the paint because I’ve used the paint on other things.

First you need to paint the plaque. I used one coat of pink paint and one coat of pink glitter paint. I figured that would go nicely with the Pony Playset Poney et Accessories.

Next, decapitate your toy! I was figuring I’d need to borrow a coping saw from my dad or something, but Pony Poney’s head just popped right off. Disturbingly easy, really. Keep that in mind when you run across it in the dollar store.

I could have trimmed right under that ridge, but there’s such a great spot for glue already that I didn’t bother:

Smear glue onto the neck parts and position the toy head on the plaque. Once the glue cures, you’re done.

I really don’t know what I am going to do with this surplus Pony Poney and Pony Poney’s body. I know ONE kid and she is way too young for this cheap shit.

Anyhow, mine turned out like this:

It’s bad that I kind of like it, right?

time: about 15 minutes, plus around four hours for various things to dry
cost: $4.06 US, more if you have to buy glue—less if you just use black paint
injuries: “hey that’s kinda cool/that’s not what this blog is FOR” whiplash

You can buy a pony head on a plaque here.

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Tainted

(I’m not kidding, that’s the name)

[This project is from Stick It! by T.L. Bonaddio.]

What you need to make this thing:

  • string or thread (for measuring finger)
  • marker
  • duct tape in black and red
  • self-healing cutting mat
  • ruler
  • scissors
  • craft or utility knife
  • ballpoint pen or something else that makes a visible mark on black duct tape

Measure your ring finger with the string. Add 1/4 inch to that measure and cut a strip of duct tape that long:

Find and mark the middle of the tape, lengthwise. The book says to cut a tiny rectangle from the center up on one side and from the center down on the other, which I did:

Then you fold the strip in half the long way, whereupon my careful cuts disappeared:

It now occurs to me that I should have made each cut about 1/4 of an inch wide, as that’s the extra space we’re working with. But I did not despair because you can always fasten the damn thing together with another piece of tape.

I trimmed the ring band down to half an inch because I have stubby fingers.

Next you cut a piece of red tape about half the length of the first. Put this piece down on the cutting mat and cut a heart shape out of the center.

I’ve never cut freehand with a utility knife. It’s not relaxing.

Position the heart portion of the tape, sticky-side down, somehere around the middle on the black ring band. Then wrap the edges around. If you’ve cut your ring down to half an inch tall like I did you will need to trim some excess off the top or bottom of the ring.

I fatstened the thing together with tape, realized it was too loose for my finger, peeled off the strip of tape and fixed it again.


I am sensing a new trend in engagement rings.

cost: $9.46 US for 2 colors of duct tape, more if you need to buy the other stuff
time: about 15 minutes
injuries: none

You can buy this Tainted thing here.

Support Asshole Crafting

I added a page to the layout with all the support options I have right now: Support Asshole Crafting.

I thought a had a solution to the paypal thing when I remembered my wepay account, but it turns out they are going to stop doing that in a couple of months.  Oh well, if you really want my paypal address, ask.

Sparkle Factory by Tarina Tarantino
This is fucked up, right?  I’m not imagining that this is fucked up.

Sparkle Factory by Tarina Tarantino

This is fucked up, right?  I’m not imagining that this is fucked up.

Bronze Baby Sculpture

[This project is from The Big-Ass Book of Crafts by Mark Montano.]

What you need to make this thing:

  • cheap all-plastic baby doll (no hair)
  • round metal lid
  • Household Goop glue
  • craft stick or something else to spread glue (not mentioned in book)
  • something to prop everything up with if the baby is unbalanced (NMIB)
  • Elmer’s glue
  • brown, silver and gold spray paint (I didn’t have brown so I used black)
  • spray bottle filled with water
  • newspaper (NMIB but essential to keep spray paint off everything)

First you gotta undress the baby, and please know I feel really weird typing that. Then you have to use the Goop glue to fasten the doll’s feet to the lid. This was fairly difficult because baby dolls are generally not meant to stand up on thier own. And this glue takes two fucking hours to cure. I did not really fancy holding the doll upright for two hours, so I found a handy way to prop it in an upright position so I could get on with my life:

That did the trick, and after a few hours the baby was standing up on its own.

The next step is to “Drip Elmer’s glue onto the doll and smear it around so the doll looks like it’s sculpted.”

Not sure how to make it look “sculpted,” I duly got to dripping and smearing—and quickly realized that there is NO real explanation should someone walk in on you giving a baby doll a glue rubdown. This book was written by a man who lives alone. And who possibly wants someone to get reported as a sex offender.

Who REALLY likes babies.

The worst part was that after the glue took a day to dry it didn’t really make the doll look any different and I had to add more glue. This time I did less smearing, though. The end result was fairly disturbing, but probably not “sculpted.”

Once the glue has dried, take the doll and the spray paints and the spray bottle full of water outside and lay down newspaper all over the surface you are going to put the doll on while you paint. The base coat is supposed to be brown, but I didn’t have brown paint, so I used black. This probably affected the final outcome of the project, but who gives a shit.

Spray the paint all over the glued baby and base. This was kind of tough because the doll has so many.. nooks and crannies. Spraying it standing up left spots like this all over:

Once the base coat dries, you spray the thing with water and then silver paint. This is a neat effect, and would probably be cooler if I had a real spray bottle instead of the tiny little thing I’d been using for ink.

Maybe I should have saved this project for Halloween.

Wait for the silver paint to dry then spray the doll with water again and hit it with the gold paint. Somehow this is supposed to make the thing look bronze. I’m pretty sure they actually sell bronze spray paint though, so I’m sticking with the “trying to get you to grope a baby doll” theory.

It takes a fucking long time for spray paint with water under it to dry.

It doesn’t look bronze, but I think it wants my brain.

time: about 3 days
cost: around $23 US, more if you need to buy the Goop glue
injuries: nausea, self-disgust and some fear

You can buy Hell Baby here.