Crafts for Assholes

And I'm the asshole who makes them.

I know some people are allergic to fur but why does this cat have to be so sweaty


I know some people are allergic to fur but why does this cat have to be so sweaty

Eerie Halloween Ghost Magnet

[This project is from the October 1999 issue of Crafts ‘n Things Magazine.]

What you need to make this thing:

  • 3 wooden ovals, 1 wooden teardrop shape, 1 wooden heart
  • white acrylic paint
  • black acrylic paint (optional)
  • paintbrush
  • something to use as a palette
  • waxed paper or kitchen parchment to keep paint off your table
  • scissors
  • pattern from magazine (optional, really)
  • pencil (optional)
  • fine-line permanent black marker
  • tacky glue
  • magnet

This fucking project.  Heart shapes aren’t sold with the teardrops and ovals, so I had to buy two fucking packages of little wooden shapes.  The first one cost more than seven fucking dollars.  If the other one hadn’t been on sale this project never would have happened.  As it is, about ten bucks of the cost of this motherfucking thing is little wooden shapes.

I was kind of worried that the wooden pieces would be too small to do this—but using the pattern to measure it I found that the biggest oval in the package should be the body, the biggest teardrop in the package should be the tail, the smallest ovals are for the arms, and the medium heart is the head:

Paint all the shapes white and let them dry.

There is a pattern in the magazine for this project.  The instructions want you to trace and transfer the face, but that is unnecessary.  The face isn’t that hard and if you really want to transfer it you can cut the pattern out and scribble on the back with a pencil where the face should be:

Transfer the features to the heart, or just freehand them.  You really don’t need the black paint at all to do this, but since I had it out I used a really small brush to paint on the eyes.  You can use the marker to draw on the mouth.  Outline all the pieces with the marker, making the line shaky.  In the instructions this is done after the ghost is assembled, but in the photos and pattern it obviously isn’t.

Glue the wood pieces together like so, and add a magnet.

It’s going to take the glue at least eight hours to dry, at which point—
Hey look, I made the ghost of a dick.  Didn’t Jim Morrison write a bunch of poems about his dick dying?  Let’s call this thing Jim.

time: about 40 minutes, plus around 9 hours drying time
cost: $13.65 US
injuries: none

You can buy Jim here.

Check out what I have for you on ebay this week!

First editions:

  • Frog Goes to Dinner by Mercer Mayer
  • Savage Season by Joe R. Lansdale
  • 12 in horror lot
  • Alfred Hitchcock and the Three Investigators: The Mystery of the Whispering Mummy by Robert Arthur (second listing)
  • The Dark Secret of Weatherend by John Bellairs (second listing)
  • 9 in kids’ lot (second listing)


  • The Painted Garden by Noel Streatfeild
  • The Secret of the Mystifying Twins by Joan Price Reeve
  • Arabel and Mortimer by Joan Aiken & Quentin Blake
  • 3 in Paddington lot
  • In the Hour Before Midnight by Jack Higgins
  • The Goon Show Scripts by Spike Milligan
  • The Greatest Shoe on Earth by Jeff MacNelly
  • 13 in horror lot
  • Alfred Hitchcock and the Three Investigators: The Mystery of the Whispering Mummy by Robert Arthur (second listing)
  • The Dark Secret of Weatherend by John Bellairs (second listing)
  • 12 in kids’ lot (second listing)


  • 4 Paddington books by Michael Bond & Peggy Fortnum
  • 22 horror paperbacks
  • 2 Touch novels by Laurie Faria Stolarz (second listing)
  • 30 kids’ books (second listing)

Please look!


I am always scared to talk about rape when there are men around, because I fear that someone might say something along the lines of “No that’s not rape, I did that once” if you talk about that consent cant be given when someone is asleep or too intoxicated. 

I cant imagine the horror of sitting in a room, with a guy who just declared himself a rapist, and then have to move on from there. 

(via teachytv)

badromancenovelquotes asked: See? The eggshell box is really pretty, and the nail polish marble thingies look nice, too! You're doing great! :D


Marbled Nail Polish Glass Stones Craft

[This project is from this youtube video by CraftKlatch.]

What you need to make these things:

  • disposable cup filled with water
  • nail polish
  • toothpick
  • waxed paper or kitchen parchment to protect work surface
  • glass rocks/cabochons
  • crescent wrench
  • nail polish remover
  • topcoat or Triple Thick glaze and a paintbrush
  • findings (ring bases, pendant bails)
  • glue like jewelry and metal glue or Household Goop

Okay, first you need to adjust your wrench so it will hold a glass pebble. (Using the wrench is a thing directly from the video, I didn’t just pull this out of my ass.)

This is tricky.

Next, start dripping polish onto the water.  You should only need a few drops of each.  The first color I put in did this, which kind of freaked me out:

But then it turned out the other colors sort of did the same thing.  Given later experience, I’m going to go ahead and say this has something to do with the temperature of the water.  If you want more cohesion, use colder water.

So drip a few colors of nail polish on the water, then give it a quick stir with the toothpick:


Then use the wrench to quickly dip the glass stone into the cup, and—

It will immediately fall out of the wrench’s grip and plummet to the bottom of the fucking cup.

I nail-polished up a pair of pliers trying to get it out, and finally had to go dump out all the goddamn water so I could get at the piece of glass.  Which didn’t really have any color on it anyway.

SO, I decided I would just do this with my hands, because the wrench thing wasn’t working.

It turns out that if you use colder water, don’t stop at every point to take pictures and don’t drop the glass, this works fairly well.  You can even get two pieces out of one application:

Plus you get this cool marbled effect on your hands!

Gloves.  Gloves might do the trick.

Let the gems dry completely.  Now you’re going to find out that another problem with this project is that the fucking nail polish will stick to the front of the gem as well.

So you’re going to need to clean them off with some nail polish remover.  Plus you need to clean the polish off the wrench.

The fumes can get pretty strong with this part.  You may want to open a window or do the whole project outside.  Whatever you do, don’t decide to smoke anywhere near this shit.  Nail polish remover probably won’t catch fire if you drop a match in it, but the vapor—whoa.

Next you put a backing color on top of the marbling.  This may take a few coats.  You have to be careful what color you use to back these, too.  I lost one because you couldn’t see it over the black.

There’s another video by the same person about using crackle nail polish on glass pebbles, so since I have a crackle polish (got it by accident), I gave it a go while the other pieces were drying.

First, put a coat of base-coat polish or clear nail polish on the bottom of the gem, and let that dry.  Then, paint the gem thickly with the crackle polish, and let it crack.
Then you put on a backing color, like the others.  This won’t work without the initial coat of polish.

You’re supposed to use topcoat for the protective layer on your marbled glass, but since I’m running out of that I used Triple Thick instead.

Let the glaze dry for at least an hour before you glue on the ring bases or what have you.

Once the glue cures, you’re all set.
They make weird rings, but kind of pretty pendants?

Plus you get to play with a wrench!

time: six to seven hours, plus the glaze won’t really be viable for 24 hours
cost: geez, like 30 bucks?  Cost severely lessened if you use only dollar store nail polish, but bail and rings cost, too.  Not to mention glaze/topcoat (the topcoat is more expensive than the glaze, usually)
injuries: the fumes gave me a fucking MASSIVE headache

I split this up into two lots again, but both in the same listing this time.

badromancenovelquotes asked: You're getting better! I actually like the eggshell pendants and the glittery half shell thingy. Even the kind of milky look to the shell makes it look all nifty. So... good job! :D

oh shit.

Eggshell Pendants

[This project is from this youtube video by BeyondBracelets.]

There are a lot of craft videos on youtube.  I will never get through them ALL, but I have some bookmarked for future projects.  This one used stuff I (mostly) already have!

But one day I gotta get glitter sticks for the glue gun and try that other thing.

What you need to make this thing:
(This project starts out simply and gets REALLY FUCKING EXPENSIVE.  However, it WILL make a hell of a lot of pieces.  So a really expensive seven things could also be a fairly reasonable couple hundred of them.  If you’re up to it.)

  • wooden shapes like they sell in expensive bags at the craft store
  • eggshells
  • boiling water
  • bowl or other small container
  • paper towel
  • tacky glue
  • brushes for glue and paint
  • damp rag or really handy sink
  • sanding block or nail file
  • transparent acrylic paint or ink, lots of colors
  • palette for paint or ink
  • ink pad or synthetic sponge and black India ink
  • protective spray (I skipped this step but it is probably a good idea)
  • Triple Thick glaze
  • black paint or ink
  • hand drill or awl
  • cutting mat
  • jump rings
  • strong glue
  • findings like pin backs & pendant bails
  • kitchen parchment to protect your work surface

The first step is to prepare your eggshell.  Or shells, I don’t know what size eggs you get.  I am using white eggs.  So does the tutorial.  I don’t know how brown eggs will look, but it might be sort of cool.  Anyway, empty the egg of its contents and immerse it in boiling water.  Let the water with the shells in it cool off while you eat the egg.

I made a scrambled egg sandwich with provolone, bacon bits and chives.  It was very greasy but it tasted great.

Once the water has cooled, it should be really easy to peel the membrane off.  I really wish I’d known this the last time I worked with eggshells.

Apparently the hot water toughens the membrane that holds the shell together.

However, even if you rinse the shells before you cook them, there may be some stray egg white clinging to them.  This will cook as well.  You want to make sure you get all the cooked egg offa there or you are gonna have some stinky fucking pendants.

Okay, drip some glue onto a wooden shape and smooth it out with a brush.  then push a piece of eggshell on there.  You want it to stick, and you want it to crack.  Cover the whole piece that way.

You are going to want to either wash your hands a lot or keep a damp rag by you, because once glue gets on your fingers the goddamn shells will want to stick to them rather than the wood.

Cover your other pieces and let the glue dry.  One extra-jumbo egg covers this many wooden shapes (and probably one or two more, but I’d had it):

Once the glue is dry, break off the bits of shell hanging over the edges of the wooden piece.  Then sand each piece to get rid of rough and pointy edges.  I think this would have been easier with a nail file than with my crappy dollar store sanding block.

Bit of shell are gonna fall off when you do the sanding.

Next step is to paint the egg-covered wood with transparent acrylic paints or with inks.  Hey, did you know that if you thin acrylic paint with water, it becomes translucent?  It may not be exactly the same effect, but it WOULD save a fuckton of money.

I got these fancy India inks years ago when I had some money, and you do NOT wanna know how much they fucking cost.  But say you bought transparent acrylics, and you caught a sale, and they only cost you 20 to 30 bucks.  Add that to the wooden shapes, and you already have a HELL of an outlay to make these things.  (Although I found out you can buy an ink set for like 15 bucks or so.)

I put little drops of ink on the shell directly from the bottle tops.  This saves a lot of faffing about with palettes.  However, you have to be really careful when you do this, or you will suddenly be overwhelmed.  If the drops are too big the colors start mixing on their own and it’s a big ol’ clusterfuck that takes forever to dry.

Probably a palette would be simpler.  I’m guessing disposable paper bowls would be best for inks, as they’re hard to get off of plastic when they dry.

As you can see, I just did some half-assed gradients.

After your ink or paint dries (this is where she breaks out the heat gun in the video, but I don’t have one so I’m skipping that part), you start tapping it with the kind of glue pad you use for rubber stamping.  A black one.  I had one of those, but even though I never opened it I’m pretty sure it’s dry as a fucking bone by now.  So I improvised.

Dampen a synthetic sponge (you want a synthetic one because the holes are small and even) and put a drop or two of black India ink on it.

DO NOT put four or five drops on and then just start using it.

I kinda squeezed a bit until the ink was more distributed.  (WARNING: will make your hands all inky.  Go get a fucking stamp pad.)

This worked better, and we are back in business.

Except now they just look dirty.

The next step in the video is to spray them with a sealer.  I have like four kinds of spray sealer, but not the one called for.

Also I figured India ink is permanent (but you know, acrylic paints are supposed to be too..),  so I just went to the glaze part.  Then I noticed that the glaze did seem to be picking up a little of the color, so you may want to invest your 12 bucks in the spray mentioned or just use a sealer you already have OR smear on a little Diamond Glaze with your finger before you use the Triple Thick.

This will, of course, add an extra drying phase.

Next I made everything look neater by painting the back and sides of each piece with ink.  I say everything, but of course some got on the front, which meant I had to wipe it away quickly.  It would be much simpler (and my hands a tad less inky) if you painted the shapes black all over before you started this fucking project.  Sorry if I’m giving away a trade secret, BeyondBracelets.

You are supposed to use a hand drill (another thing I don’t have) to make holes in the pieces so you can insert a jump ring.  I figured I could just use a sharp awl and a cutting mat.  Here’s my first attempt:

In case the bad focus makes it hard to tell, when I tried to enlarge the hole, the awl broke though the fucking side.

But I was more careful placing the awl on the second piece, and it worked pretty well:

There’s another way to do this: smear strong glue (something like Household Goop) on the back of the piece with a toothpick and stick on a pin or a pendant bail.  This is a bit more expensive for the pendants.  Also if you have to keep looking for a pin that will open right and doesn’t have the goddamn point sticking out the end, your fucking glue will dry and you’ll have to smear on some more.

They kinda look like leather I really fucked with:

Not bad, but screamingly expensive.
Which do you like better, the bails or the jump ring?

A note on cost:  Like I said (a lot), components for this project are super motherfucking expensive.  Probably not a thing to try unless you have all the stuff already.  I would say that figuring in all the supplies I spent more than $150 US on this shit.  HOWEVER, I have decided to split this into two lots and charge $15 US for each because I’m a realist.  That’s why there is no cost section in this wrap-up.

time: around 14 hours—less if you have a heat gun?
injuries: realized how much I spent on ink I hardly ever use, seriously considering doing this again one day

You can buy two pendants and a pin here, or you can buy a pin and a pendant here.

Oh, and the video’s worth a watch.  At least skip to the last five minutes or so where BeyondBracelets finds out that if you try to use that salt-and-watercolor technique when painting your eggshells, the glaze gets all jizzy looking.  Like someone REALLY likes eggshells.

Anonymous asked: Hey I don't have a Tumblr thing, but I am an Australian lady 2/3 through my teaching and languages degrees and love doing crafts and Pinterest and that shit in my spare time. I'm shit at it, but yeah, love your site and the reality of attempting crafts and nonsense x

I decided to post this so I can look at it when I get sad.

Anonymous asked: Why don't you ever post pictures of what the projects look like in the craft books?

I do sometimes, but mostly I’m too ashamed.

Magazine Frame

[This project is from Pulp Fiction by Mark Montano.]

What you need to make this thing:

  • square wooden frame with a wide area to work on (book says 10 by 10, mine is smaller)
  • magazine (or catalog with decent, not-flimsy paper)
  • ruler and/or straight edge
  • cutting mat
  • craft or utility knife
  • glue stick (my addition)
  • glue
  • buttons all the same size
  • scissors (not mentioned in book)
  • waxed paper or kitchen parchment to protect surface
  • spray paint
  • gold acrylic paint
  • paintbrush
  • paint palette

Okay, first cut your magazine or catalog into three by six inch strips.

You need to roll the strips into tubes.  In order to use more than one piece of tube I started rolling, then smeared the whole strip with a glue stick:

and continued rolling the strip into a tube.

I got this idea the last time I did a Mark Montano project that involved lots of fucking paper tubes.

It takes a while to get a tube going.  My first tries were a fucking MESS, and even when I got the hang of it they still came out looking vaguely conical.  Also, my damn glue stick ran out about half-way through the tube-making process and I had to get another one.

But after about 5 hours I had a pile like this:

As you can see, I have much less than the 150 called for in the book.  That’s fine because I can use some pieces twice.

Figure out what kind of pattern you want and lay it out with the buttons first:

In my defense, it was twelve in the goddamn morning when I got to this part.

Fill the rest in with paper rolls trimmed to size, and let the glue dry.

Even with dry glue, I gotta say it didn’t look much better in the cold light of day.

Once it’s dry, take your frame outside (if there’s a mirror you’re gonna want to mask it off for this part).  Lay the thing on some newspapers and spray-paint the shit out of it.

I was gonna use white paint for this part, but apparently I used all of it up when I tried to paint a blue bottle white in July.

So I picked up the silver because fuck it, close enough.

The only way to get spray paint on the edges of this thing was to pick it up.  I still can’t get the fucking silver paint off my goddamn hands.

Once the paint is dry, the next step is to dry-brush some gold paint on the fucker.  After a little consideration, I decided to only do this to the buttons.

You can really tell how much time and effort I put in here.


time: around 17 hours
cost: around $20.12 US (glue and spray paint are the most expensive components)
injuries: a burning ache in my bad elbow and a stress headache

You can buy this whatever the fuck it is here.