Crafts for Assholes

And I'm the asshole who makes them.

You like chocolate cake, right?

I could not find a project to do this week, because I am broke and I owe taxes and everything I found needed me to go out and buy something.  So, here we are.

Back when my brother and I made broccoli monsters, I linked to a recipe for cake that has since disappeared from the web.  So I thought I’d put it up here—and also the frosting, because I love you fuckers.

Super-Rich Chocolate Cake

  • 2 cups sugar 
  • 1 cup softened butter 
  • 2 eggs 
  • 1 teaspoon vanilla 
  • 2 and 1/2 cups unbleached white flour 
  • 1 and 1/2 teaspoon baking soda 
  • 1/2 teaspoon salt 
  • 1 cup buttermilk or sour milk 
  • 2/3 cup cocoa 
  • 2/3 cup boiling water

Preheat oven to 350º F.

Grease and flour 2 round or square  cake pans (Or use one big rectangular pan). [Hint: use cocoa instead of flour.]

Cream together butter and sugar. Add eggs one at a time, beating well after each addition. Mix in vanilla. Mix together the flour, baking soda, and salt. Add this to the egg mixture slowly, alternating with the sour milk. In a separate, smaller bowl, make a heavy smooth paste of cocoa and boiling water, adding more cocoa if needed. Cool slightly, add to batter and blend well.

Pour into prepared pans and bake for about 35 minutes, or until inserted pick comes out clean.

Notes:

  • Using a mixer is easier, but my dad says he’s done both this recipe and the frosting by hand.
  • You can make sour milk by pouring a little vinegar into a cup of good milk and letting it sit a little while.

Fluffy Cocoa Frosting

  • 3/4 cup cocoa
  • 4 cups (1 box) confectioner’s sugar
  • 1/2 cup (1 stick) butter, softened
  • 1 teaspoon vanilla
  • 1/2 cup evaporated (NOT CONDENSED) milk

Cream some of the sugar into the softened butter, them mix in a little of the milk.  Keep adding those alternately, making sure the frosting doesn’t get too thick or too runny.  Add the cocoa and vanilla when you feel like it.  If you don’t add the cocoa, you have vanilla frosting!

Note:

  • Always wait until the cake is entirely cool to frost it.  In fact, wait until the cake is entirely cool to make the frosting.  If the cake still has residual heat, it will melt the frosting and you will have cake in a frosting puddle.

I don’t have any pictures of this cake in action because I haven’t been able to make it since my dad discovered his gluten allergy.  It’s a shame, this was our go-to birthday cake.

Here’s a photo of a broccoli monster:

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Last night I made delicious strawberry cupcakes out of gluten-free muffin mix.

Last night I made delicious strawberry cupcakes out of gluten-free muffin mix.

"My response to the “I am not a feminist” internet phenomenon….

First of all, it’s clear you don’t know what feminism is. But I’m not going to explain it to you. You can google it. To quote an old friend, “I’m not the feminist babysitter.”

But here is what I think you should know.

You’re insulting every woman who was forcibly restrained in a jail cell with a feeding tube down her throat for your right to vote, less than 100 years ago.

You’re degrading every woman who has accessed a rape crisis center, which wouldn’t exist without the feminist movement.

You’re undermining every woman who fought to make marital rape a crime (it was legal until 1993).

You’re spitting on the legacy of every woman who fought for women to be allowed to own property (1848). For the abolition of slavery and the rise of the labor union. For the right to divorce. For women to be allowed to have access to birth control (Comstock laws). For middle and upper class women to be allowed to work outside the home (poor women have always worked outside the home). To make domestic violence a crime in the US (It is very much legal in many parts of the world). To make workplace sexual harassment a crime.

In short, you know not what you speak of. You reap the rewards of these women’s sacrifices every day of your life. When you grin with your cutsey sign about how you’re not a feminist, you ignorantly spit on the sacred struggle of the past 200 years. You bite the hand that has fed you freedom, safety, and a voice.

In short, kiss my ass, you ignorant little jerks.”

I did an ATC exchange last month, these are the ones I made.

I’ve been working on these since Saturday.  The pendants are now necklaces and I finished the chains this morning.  They’re all glass glued to things.

If you like them, check them out in my store.

Now I have to find a really fast project for this week..

Check out what I have for you on ebay this week!

First editions:

  • The Night of the Mary Kay Commandos by Berke Breathed
  • 12 in sci-fi lot
  • Billy and the Boingers Bootleg WITH RECORD, Berke Breathed
  • 10 in fantasy lot (second listing)

OUT OF PRINT:

  • Batman: Harley Quinn
  • Harley and Ivy: Love on the Lam
  • Captain N: The Game Master #2
  • The Night of the Mary Kay Commandos by Berke Breathed
  • Brains Benton: The Case of the Painted Dragon by George Wyatt
  • 12 in sci-fi lot
  • The Mercer Boys’ Cruise in the Lassie by Capwell Wyckoff
  • Billy and the Boingers Bootleg WITH RECORD, Berke Breathed
  • 13 in fantasy lot (second listing)

Lots:

  • 20 sci-fi
  • 24 romance
  • 26 fantasy (second listing)

Other stuff:

  • Libby on Wednesday by Zilpha Keatley Snyder

Please look!

In Which I Waste Spray Paint

Gilded Apple

[This project is from Instant Gratification Ornaments by Genevieve A. Sterbenz.]

What you need to make this thing:

  • a fake apple (don’t use real fruit, okay?)
  • gold spray paint
  • foil roasting pan
  • water
  • newspaper

Set your stuff up outside. Newspaper goes under the foil pan, which is filled with water.

Unless you want to mop up a succession of puddles leading out the door, it is probably best to fill the pan with water once you have it in place.

Not that I would know anything about that, of course. Ahem.

Once you have spilled water all over the fucking house and cleaned it back up, spray the water with the gold spray paint.

And dip your apple in it. The result will be something like this:

The apple also flipped itself and did this:

Let the paint dry and repeat the process. This is supposed to create a “webbed or speckled pattern,” which.. well.. not so much.

This might be heavy enough to be a paperweight, but probably not.

I think I’ll find some pretty girls and make them fight for it.

time: about 3 hours
cost: $9.00 US
what I’m going to be doing all weekend: trying to get gold paint off my thumbnails

You can buy a golden apple here.

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Faux Porcelain Vase

[This project is from Design*Sponge at Home.]

What you need to make this thing:

  • bottle (mine has a raised pattern—the book also says you can use cans)
  • white spray paint
  • white puffy paint (optional)
  • newspaper

The original project calls for putting a design on your bottle or can with white puff paint. Guess what I don’t have.

However, my brother DID buy this weird energy drink in a bottle with a raised pattern already on it. He gave me the bottle, and here we go.

The idea is to spray the bottle with white paint until it looks like porcelain.

This did not work so fucking well.

But I worked on it a while. Started picking it up and spraying all around. It also helps to let it dry between coats. This is what I wound up with:

You can almost not see the blue through the white!

The moral of the story is only do this with clear bottles.

time: around six hours
cost: $6.35 US for spray paint (add up to 6 bucks more if buying puffy paint too)
injuries: fume headache

I got a sample of faux suede from Spoonflower (pattern by rosalarian) and decided I’d make a tiny book with it.

But I fucked up when I thought I could get away with using the cloth without backing it with paper first.  It wouldn’t stick to the bookboard!  I had to smash the cover under weights for a couple of hours before I could finish the book—and as you can see, the corners are all screwed up.

Not sure what to do with it now..

Spirit Doll

[This project is from Wild With a Glue Gun by Kitty Harmon and Christina Stickler.]

The instructions in this book are REALLY vague. I’m sure if you had a clearer idea of what you were doing or wanted to do with this project, it would come out better. Still doofy-looking, but maybe with a personal meaning or some shit.

But this is what happened.

What you need to make this thing:

  • wire and/or pipe cleaners
  • scraps of fabric (there is no specification in the book, but I’m guessing longer and thinner are better)
  • scissors
  • cotton balls or stuffing
  • embellishments like.. shiny things, I guess?
  • I used glue, but it’s not mentioned in the book so it’s probably cheating

Okay, first you make the body, like so:

Then you add the arms (these may have come out a TAD short):

Give that torso some padding:

Then you wrap the whole thing in scraps of fabric. I had some felt and strips of t-shirt. I used glue to keep the felt where I sort of wanted it. The cotton shirt was easier, and I guess because the glue soaked through, the strips of shirt were also easier to keep in place. I stuffed a couple cotton balls into the head part.

The problem is, by the time I finshed wrapping the doll, I had something best described as “fucking ridiculous.”

And I really couldn’t think of any way to add more shit to it that wouldn’t make things worse.

So I added some eyes and called it a day.

Yeah, I don’t think I’ll be selling this one..

time: about half an hour, probably more if you try to do it right
cost: REALLY depends on what you use to make the thing
injuries: poked my fingers with the wire a few times

A question!

Should I do an “about” page?

If so, what should I put on it?

Magic nose goblins?

In Which We Look At Pictures

It’s been a really busy week for me, so I thought we’d check out some projects I don’t have the money, room and/or courage for—and I’ll try to make you something this weekend.

The Complete Book of Candles and Candlemaking
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What everyone needs in their home is a flammable object covered in candles. It’s festive!

Better Homes & Gardens Christmas: 101 Wondrous Ideas

Make fake, light-up icicles and hang them on your porch, because some of the neighbors STILL won’t cross to the other side of the street when they see you coming.

Upcycling Celebrations
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Don’t have enough bottles around? Turn giant light bulbs into bottles with corks and electical tape! Paint words on them! Have some more wine.

The Practical Guide to Crafting With Mosaics, Ceramics & Glassware
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Cover a chair with shards so it will be REALLY uncomfortable. Give it to someone you hate.

Re-Creative
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Just haul a broken concrete block into your house and stick candles on it. Keep it on your floor. The cats were getting annoying anyway.

This book was a pain in the ass to make.  160 pages.  Heavy, too.  So I hope someone likes it enough to pay for it.

I put all the books I’ve made in their own section in my etsy store, to make it easier to find them.