Crafts for Assholes

And I'm the asshole who makes them.

Untamed

[This project is from Stick It! by T.L. Bonaddio.]

What you need to make this thing:

  • duct tape in black, orange & yellow
  • ruler
  • craft or utility knife
  • cutting mat
  • scissors
  • hole punch
  • split ring (the big kind)
  • butter knife (optional)

Cut a 4-inch piece of orange duct tape, a 3-inch piece of yellow, and a 2-inch piece of black tape. Fold them over somewhat like this:

Cut each piece through the two-layer part into a fringe. Then layer them sticky-side-down like so:

Fold one side over and then the other, so the whole thing looks like this:

Next, punch a hole through the uncut part where everything is connected. This takes some fucking pressure because you’re punching through nine goddamn layers.

Open the split ring and slide the hole you just punched onto it. This is harder than it sounds. I finally had to pry the motherfucking thing open with a butter knife to get a wide enough gap to get the duct tape onto the ring.

And then I found out my earlier efforts had broken my already-too-short thumbnail.

It really looks worth it, too.

If you ever meet someone with this keychain, they are either fans of this blog or the person who wrote Stick It! Either way, you should probably introduce yourself.

time: around 20 minutes
cost: about $8.95 US, way more if your duct tape isn’t on sale
injuries: none

You can buy this duct tape on a ring here.

Sorry there’s only one short project this week.  I’ve been working on turning this:

into this:

so I was distracted.

I made this quiche.  This is the best photo I could get with my cheap-assed camera.

I made this quiche.  This is the best photo I could get with my cheap-assed camera.

Check out what I have for you on ebay this week!

First editions:

  • Hollow Fields volume 2 by Madeleine Rosca (second listing)
  • Only the Ring Finger Knows: the Lonely Ring Finger by Satoru Kannagi & Hotaru Odagiri
  • Worlds of Power lot
  • Naruto volume 4 by Masashi Kishimoto
  • Chicken Tricks by Megan Lloyd

OUT OF PRINT:

  • Hollow Fields volume 2 by Madeleine Rosca (second listing)
  • Animal Counting Book illustrated by Moritz Kennel
  • The Beezus and Ramona Diary
  • Alfred Hitchcock’s Haunted Houseful
  • Worlds of Power lot
  • Pop Culture Legends: Stephen King by Amy Keyishian & Marjorie Keyishian
  • Chicken Tricks by Megan Lloyd
  • The Spring of Joy by Tasha Tudor

Lots:

  • 4 Worlds of Power
  • 2 Dexter novels by Jeff Lindsay

Please look!

I got home today and there were presents!
Thanks for making me happy and disgruntling my stepmother.

I got home today and there were presents!

Thanks for making me happy and disgruntling my stepmother.

In Which I Make Two things With DEEPLY Ridiculous Names

Sexy and the City Necklace

[This project is from The Big-Ass Book of Bling by Mark Montano.]

What you need to make this thing:

  • plastic letters, such as those magnet things
  • silver-tone chain
  • 4 silver-tone jump rings
  • silver-tone lobster clasp
  • glue like E-6000 (I’m using Household Goop because I have it)
  • wire cutters
  • pliers
  • big safety pin
  • candle
  • something to light candle

Make sure you have enough plastic letters to spell your word. There were two notable things about my letter sets—

First, they were magnetic letters without magnets:

Second, there was only one punctuation mark, and it was a semi-colon:

Also, all the Ts were the same color. But so were the Qs, no big deal.

Glue your letters together in the word you want. The glue I’m using takes two hours to cure.

While the glue is drying, you can cut your chain to size. The book says cut the pieces to six inches, but even if you’re spelling “fuckstain” that seems a bit short. I went with eight.

Fasten jump rings to the ends of the chain. Put a lobster clasp on one before you close it. Now the chains have a clasp.

Once the glue is dry, it’s time to poke holes for the jump rings in the letters. You need one hole on each end. Here’s how you’re supposed to do it:

Open a safety pin and hold it in your pliers like so:

Light your candle and hold the point of the pin in the flame. When the pin is hot enough (it will get sooty and may seem to be on fire a little), poke it at a spot on the magnet near the edge and it will go right through. Then repeat for the other side.

I was surprised that this worked—and even more surprised I didn’t hurt myself.

I don’t really know the best way to get the soot spots off there, though.

Open the jump rings, thread them through the holes and attach the unused side of the chains.

Then find out that your fucking lobster clasp doesn’t work, and replace it with one that OPENS.

And all of that nerve-wracking bullshit gets you this sexy thing which doesn’t fit around my neck:

STYLE, motherfuckers.

time: about 3 hours, all told
cost: $10.43 US
injuries: none—well, some hand cramps fiddling with the jump rings

You can buy a necklace that says “BUTT” here.

.

Charisma

[This project is from Stick It! by T.L. Bonaddio.]

This book has really doofy little stories before the projects that make no sense and don’t have much to do with the projects. On top of the goofy, pretentious names. Here’s the story for this project:

Genevieve’s mother allowed her to wear earrings [The word earrings is in yellow for some reason]. She loved to hear her mother say “You’re such a pretty woman now” just so Genevieve could say for once in her life, “I know.”

What you need to make these things:

  • red duct tape
  • cutting mat
  • template
  • pencil
  • scissors
  • craft or utility knife
  • straight edge/ruler
  • two pairs of pliers
  • small hole punch

First, cut two four-inch pieces of duct tape and fold them, sticky-side in, into squares.

For the next step you need the template. The one in the book was pretty basic:

So I free-handed my own. I did the scribble-all-over-the-back-with-a-pencil thing to transfer—and to my surprise, it actually worked:

Now you have to cut the things out. You can do the outside with scissors, but for the intricate parts you need a knife. I was having a lot of trouble getting my knife to cut this shit until I realized I needed to change the blade.

Then you need to punch a hole in the lump at the top.

The terrible thing is how these aren’t much worse than the ones in the book.

Use the pliers to open the loop on an earring hook, and slide the top hole of one duct-tape thingy onto the loop.

This is where I learned why you usually just attach things to earrings with jump rings. The realization sounded like this: “Shit! For fuck’s sake! Now I can’t get it to fucking CLOSE!”

Fancy, ain’t they? Never did get those fucking things to close, either.

time: about 40 minutes
cost: around $6.72 US, more if you need to buy new blades or something
injuries: hand cramps, frown headache

You can buy whatever these are supposed to be here.

Fairies in a Jar? More like Photoshop in a Jar.

omskivar:

Pinstrosity has had four posts already on this stupid Fairies in a Jar pin that keeps going around, and I really don’t understand how anyone could look at that picture and not realize it was obvious Photoshop. I mean, come on, look at it:

image

That’s supposed to be the result of glow stick innards and glitter? Really? No one thought for a second that this might be faked? I guess all you have to do is re-size the picture so people can’t see what’s going on and you can fake just about anything, huh?

Also, there’s no lid on the damn jar. But noticing that would apparently take your eyes off the pretty sparkles.

Bonnie Parker Poetry Journal

[This project is from Criminal Crafts by Shawn Gascoyne-Bowman.]

It’s been a while since I made something I actively hated..

What you need to make this thing:

  • 5 sheets of printer paper
  • paper bag or other heavy paper
  • bone folder or other folding tool
  • ruler and maybe a straight edge
  • scissors or craft/utility knife
  • cutting mat if using knife
  • stapler and staples
  • label—handmade or computer-generated
  • glue stick
  • hole punch
  • pencil
  • red paint—watercolor or acrylic
  • palette and a little water
  • paintbrush

First you are going to want to cut your five sheets of paper in half. The book says to do this lengthwise, but by the time I realized this I’d already done it the short way. Plus in bookbinding going with the grain of the paper is always best. (Though this hardly qualifies as bookbinding.)

You can do this part with a paper cutter, scissors, or straight edge and blade. I just folded them in half individually, pressed the fold with the bone folder a few times and tore the things. It’s the only way I know of to make the halves come out somewhat even.

Once you’ve got ten half-sheets of paper, even them up and fold the whole pile in half:

Use your folding tool to press down the crease on both sides. The book says to do this individually, but that is way more work and makes a less cohesive stack.

To make the cover, cut a piece of paper bag as tall as your stack of pages and twice as long as one page, plus a quarter of an inch. Fix any problems with the seam with your glue stick. Fold the cover around the pages like so:

Next you’re supposed to staple the pages to the cover. Not even along the fucking crease, which would be sensible, but like this:


You need to get the staples far enough in to catch all the pages, but not so far that it’s super noticeable. The one on the right is an example of erring in the other direction.

So far this entire project is perverting all my bookbinding instincts. Luckily, we’re now done making the booklet.

Use the glue stick to fasten the label to whatever side of the book you want to be the front. The label used in the books says, “Shot through the Heart And You’re to Blame: Bonnie’s Book Of Poems.” My label wound up being very different from that one—different lettering, different border, different Bon Jovi quote..

Next you have to make the bullet holes. Yeah, that’s right, first you make this goddamn thing, then you poke holes in it. Since you are going to punch each hole through 22 sheets of paper, you probably don’t want to go overboard here.

Punch the holes in the cover, then trace them and use the tracing to punch holes in the next page.

Go ahead and punch two or three pages at a time, I won’t tell.

It turns out I’m not very good at lining up holes like this, though, because my book wound up looking like it’d been hit at a very odd angle:

Next rub the point of a pencil around in the holes to make them darker or something.

The last step is the red splatters. Mix water with your paint. Lay down newspapers or cut open your paper bag remnants and put them on your work area. Put the book in the middle of the waste paper, load up your brush with color, hold it over the book and hit the brush with your hand. Repeat this for however many splatters you want.

Normally I would mix up some of my fancy actually-looks sorta-like-blood color for this, but why bother. Once the paint is dry, you’re done.

The blood has nothing to do with the bullet holes, hunh?

I have no idea what you’d use this for.

time: about an hour, plus drying time for the paint
cost: hardly anything until you get into the individual components—a pack of printer paper, an inkjet ink cartridge, a bottle of paint—then it’s REALLY expensive
injuries: just to my pride—this thing’s so fucking UGLY

You can buy this beat-up thing here.

instructables asked: How come you can't make Bacon Jello?

Because I’m on food stamps and nobody in my house will actually eat that.

I cannot justify the waste of food.

Baby Head Paperweight

[This project is from The Big-Ass Book of Crafts by Mark Montano.]

"Yes, people will think you’re weird for making this, but that’s okay!"

What you need to make this thing:
image

  • baby doll with a hollow head
  • scissors
  • utiity knife
  • plaster of paris
  • water
  • disposable cup for mixing plaster of paris and water
  • craft stick or something else disposable with which to mix plaster of paris and water
  • a bowl or glass to put baby head on so it doesn’t fall over
  • felt
  • newspaper
  • black spray paint
  • spray bottle with water in it
  • gold spray paint
  • Elmer’s glue or tacky glue

First you need a baby doll. I bought mine at a thrift store on half-price day. The doll has to have a hollow head because you will be filling it with plaster. I didn’t think I was going to be able do do this for a while yet, but it turns out my dad already had some plaster of paris and he gave me some. My dad is cool.

I used the scissors to cut the doll head from the cloth body, but then I had to cut some of the neck off so the head would sit steadily. For this gruesome task I used a utility knife with a locking blade.
image

I wonder what exactly Mark Montano has against babies.

Mix small amounts of plaster and water and pour them into the head. The damn thing was bigger than it looked, I used more than a cup of water and most of the powder. It was a little too liquidy, but that doesn’t seem to matter. Fill the head as close to the top as you can get:
image

The plaster set in less than an hour, but the head stayed oddly warm for a bit longer. This is when I noticed the doll had an odor of some sort. Something sweetish, probably on purpose.

Before I wiped the spilled plaster off the head I put the neck down on a piece of felt to make an imprint of the hole like so:
image

And I cut that out.

Clean any stray plaster drips off the head with a damp paper towel or something and take it outside with the newspaper, spray paint and spray bottle. Your spray bottle should have water in it.

First base coat the head with black. The whole spray painting thing is a pain in the ass. It would probably have been easier if I’d had something to stand the head on, but since I didn’t it was a lot of waiting for the paint to dry and moving the head again.
image

Also we can’t discount the nightmare factor.

Once the head is all black and dry, spray it with water and hit it with the gold paint. I did this in three coats and waited a half hour between them. That may not have been long enough.
image

Yikes.

Once the paint has dried, you’re about done, though I took the final step of coating the felt shape with glue and putting it over the neck hole.
image

It will take a while for the glue to dry, but this step will help keep plaster off your papers. (It’s not in the book.)

And who wouldn’t want to hold their papers down with this lovely—
image

—fucking nightmare.

time: about 24 hours, all told
cost: $14.65 US (plaster costs about eight bucks in a small container though)
injuries: none physical

You can buy this creepy fucking thing here.