Crafts for Assholes

And I'm the asshole who makes them.




oh my god oH my god OH MY GOD fuckin christ oh my god masculinity is so fragile oh my god

"wow i like that sweater you’re knitting" "IT’S NOT A SWEATER IT’S A BRO COZY CAN’T YOU SEE I’M A MAN??"


Manknitting a brosweater





oh my god oH my god OH MY GOD fuckin christ oh my god masculinity is so fragile oh my god

"wow i like that sweater you’re knitting" "IT’S NOT A SWEATER IT’S A BRO COZY CAN’T YOU SEE I’M A MAN??"


Manknitting a brosweater


Friendly reminder that Dia de Los Muertos is pretty much a funeral, and the dead being represented in the holiday are actual dead people who had families and friends and hopes and dreams. So just as you wouldn’t throw on black clothes and join a group of mourners because they look so fashionable in black, you shouldn’t paint your face and put marigolds in your hair and make altars because it looks cool to you. Thank.

This is important.


[This project is from Stick It! by T.L. Bonaddio.]

Yes, it’s only called “Black.”

Confession time: I made this whole project, taking pictures all the way, and when I finished I realized the SD card wasn’t in the fucking camera.  This is why the end product looks a TAD different than the “making of” shots.


What you need to make this thing:

  • measuring tape OR bit of string and a ruler
  • duct tape
  • cutting mat
  • craft or utility knife
  • ballpoint pen or something else that makes marks on duct tape
  • ruler and/or straight edge
  • 1/8 inch hole punch
  • snap kit
  • hammer

This is made with black duct tape in the book, but I went with the starry kind so you could see what the hell I was doing.

Measure down from your wrist 1 3/4 inches.  I made a mark there with my pen.  Then measure around your arm at that spot.  Add an inch to the measurement you got.  This is the length your bracelet should be.

Cut two strips of duct tape at least half an inch longer than you want the bracelet to be.  Attach the sticky side of one strip to the sticky side of the other strip of tape.

You can do this by really, really trying to match everything up evenly—which doesn’t fucking work and you will have to trim it—or you can try what I did the second time.

Try for 1/4 of an inch overlap of sticky on each side, and then just fold it over.

Trim the short ends of the tape strip to the length you want.

Fold your duct tape strip in half, and measure an inch down from the unfolded end.  Then measure 1/4 inch in from the long ends, like so:

Now the tricky part: you are supposed to “make five vertical cuts of equidistance between those borders.”

I suck at math, dammit.

I wound up measuring to the middle and then making wild guesses for the two cuts on either side.  They did not turn out “equidistant.”

You COULD just measure the fucking thing into fourths—but that’s four cuts, not five.

I won’t tell anyone.

Punch two holes for your snaps before you unfold the strip, so they’ll match up.

The instructions for the snaps are on the package.  But here’s a quick run-down:

Poke the pointy part of the top snap into the front of the bracelet.  Put the snap-side down in the rounded part of the anvil and put the other piece on top, over the duct tape.  Put the pointy side of the metal cylinder inside the hole in the snap, and pound it with a hammer until the snap is attached.

This took me more than a minute, and the fucking things were STILL wobbly.

The other side is pretty much the same, except you reverse the anvil and the fit is better.

They work fairly well—just be careful with the unsnapping or you will rip the bracelet.

And after all that work, you have—

I’m going back to bed.

time: about an hour and a half—less if you don’t have to redo most of it
cost: around $4.18 US—this is because the snaps were a generous gift.  Snap sets will run you about $7 to $12 US
injuries: stabbed one of my fingernails with the utility knife

You can buy this sliced up marvel here.

Anonymous asked: 10 is a bit much for a pony bead bracelet....

That’s cool, make your own.  Oh, and have fun sanding the little burrs off every single fucking bead.

thats-so-ravenloft asked: Why do people like crafting with seashells so much?


Because society frowns upon crafting with still-beating hearts, no matter how festive they look glued to a jewelry box.

A few years ago, my brother drew this picture and gave it to me as a birthday present.

Obviously, I wanted it on a t-shirt.  Since it was my birthday present, I was given permission to put it in a cafepress store.

And now it’s on all sorts of shit.  Including shirts.  Check it out.

In Which I Paint Crows on Plates

[This project is from Spooky & Bright: 101 Halloween Ideas.]

I’m still fighting this cold, so another quick one this week.

What you need to make this thing:

  • plates
  • templates (copied from book or printed from Country Living website)
  • scissors
  • tape (optional)
  • pencil (not mechanical)
  • newspaper
  • black paint
  • paintbrushes
  • paint palette

The actual title of this project is “SERVE UP A DARING DISPLAY with this novel idea for old plates,” but that is not very fucking punchy, you know?

The first step is obviously to find some plates no-one wants any more.  Like ones that are chipped, faded, or sold at the outlet thrift store by the pound.

All three, if you can get them.

Wash your victims.. err.. plates in soapy water and dry them.

Cut out the templates.  This was a pain in the ass because of all the fiddly bits.  Took me almost twenty goddamn minutes.

Figure out where the templates should go on the plates and, if you want to, secure the templates with a few pieces of rolled tape.

Next you trace around the templates with a pencil.  I FULLY did not expect this shit to work.  But if you use a standard no. 2 pencil, it does!  Remove the templates and tape from the plates.

Okay, the next step is to go around the outlines with black paint and a small brush.  Really just an opportunity to show off how shaky my hands are.

Fill in the outlines with more black paint.  Once the paint is dry, you can use a toothpick to scrape the paint and give the bird details like eyes or more defined feathers.  I didn’t bother.

And now you have—plates you can’t possibly fucking eat off.  Woo.

These would probably look better if you used enamel paint and baked them.  The paint would be less likely to chip, as well.

However, that would be more expensive and really depends on how fucking dedicated you are to having plates with crows painted on them hanging on your walls.

time: around 2 hours
cost: about $7 US, depending on where your plates come from
injuries: none

You can buy these fancy, spooky things here.


This is your approaching-cold weather reminder that yarn bombing your neighborhood causes litter, can be troublesome for wildlife, and often under-paid municipal workers are forced to clean it up. 

If you have that much yarn to use on things you’re not keeping or selling, use it to make scarves, hats, mittens, socks, etc. to donate to local people in need.  

(via angelsaves)


This is by far my favorite thing I’ve found in a donated half-used Diary of a Wimpy Kid journal.
Why do people always donate partly used journals, anyway?

New blog because clearly I don’t have enough shit to do.


This is by far my favorite thing I’ve found in a donated half-used Diary of a Wimpy Kid journal.

Why do people always donate partly used journals, anyway?

New blog because clearly I don’t have enough shit to do.

Sinister Ceramics

[This project is from Wise Craft by Blair Stocker.]

I’ve been sick for over a week (plus working on something I might get PAID for), so this is a fairly quick project.

What you need to make this thing:

  • figurines nobody wants
  • newspaper
  • black spray paint
  • black acrylic paint
  • paintbrush
  • palette
  • red flat-backed gems OR red acrylic paint and red glitter paint
  • tacky glue if the gems don’t have adhesive backs

First pick out the things you want to paint.  I went to the thrift store last week and picked up an owl bank with no stopper, a chipped Pomeranian and a particularly nasty-looking clown.

Obviously, you don’t want to ruin things that people might actually care about.  Unless that’s your thing—you MONSTER.

Okay, take your figures out side, put them on the newspaper and spray-paint them black.  I sprayed the hell out of them, but they still weren’t fully covered:

This is where the black acrylic paint and paintbrush come in.  The owl was the easiest to turn black, but it turned out all three of these fuckers needed touch-ups after the spray paint dried.

You are supposed to glue red plastic gems to the eyes, but I couldn’t find small ones in anything darker than fucking magenta.  I fixed this by first dotting some red paint on the smaller eyes, then hitting that with some glitter glue once the paint dried.

The gems I DID have fit the owl perfectly.

Okay, those ARE kinda disconcerting, but from a few feet away they’re gonna look like random blobs.

time: about 6 hours
cost: around $20 US, depending on how much your figures cost, etc.
injuries: the fumes from the spray paint made my respiratory problems much worse and I was miserable all motherfucking night

You can buy these things here.

Eerie Halloween Ghost Magnet

[This project is from the October 1999 issue of Crafts ‘n Things Magazine.]

What you need to make this thing:

  • 3 wooden ovals, 1 wooden teardrop shape, 1 wooden heart
  • white acrylic paint
  • black acrylic paint (optional)
  • paintbrush
  • something to use as a palette
  • waxed paper or kitchen parchment to keep paint off your table
  • scissors
  • pattern from magazine (optional, really)
  • pencil (optional)
  • fine-line permanent black marker
  • tacky glue
  • magnet

This fucking project.  Heart shapes aren’t sold with the teardrops and ovals, so I had to buy two fucking packages of little wooden shapes.  The first one cost more than seven fucking dollars.  If the other one hadn’t been on sale this project never would have happened.  As it is, about ten bucks of the cost of this motherfucking thing is little wooden shapes.

I was kind of worried that the wooden pieces would be too small to do this—but using the pattern to measure it I found that the biggest oval in the package should be the body, the biggest teardrop in the package should be the tail, the smallest ovals are for the arms, and the medium heart is the head:

Paint all the shapes white and let them dry.

There is a pattern in the magazine for this project.  The instructions want you to trace and transfer the face, but that is unnecessary.  The face isn’t that hard and if you really want to transfer it you can cut the pattern out and scribble on the back with a pencil where the face should be:

Transfer the features to the heart, or just freehand them.  You really don’t need the black paint at all to do this, but since I had it out I used a really small brush to paint on the eyes.  You can use the marker to draw on the mouth.  Outline all the pieces with the marker, making the line shaky.  In the instructions this is done after the ghost is assembled, but in the photos and pattern it obviously isn’t.

Glue the wood pieces together like so, and add a magnet.

It’s going to take the glue at least eight hours to dry, at which point—
Hey look, I made the ghost of a dick.  Didn’t Jim Morrison write a bunch of poems about his dick dying?  Let’s call this thing Jim.

time: about 40 minutes, plus around 9 hours drying time
cost: $13.65 US
injuries: none

You can buy Jim here.