Crafts for Assholes

And I'm the asshole who makes them.



if you want to ask a bisexual or asexual person about their sexual history to verify that they’re queer, but you don’t want them to take it the wrong way, try this useful communication technique:

give them twenty dollars and go away.

As a bi person, I can attest to the beneficiality of this method.

(via angelsaves)

Sparkles on a Half Shell

This FUCKING project..

[This project is from Beadalicious by Sonya Nimri.]

I made a lot of substitutions in this project, so I just put what I used in the ingredients list.  If you  want to make this RIGHT, get ahold of the book.

What you need to make this thing:

  • half of a shallow seashell (here I am using what I think is a scallop shell)
  • white glue
  • paintbrush for spreading glue
  • glitter
  • "focus beads"
  • seed beads
  • other shiny stuff (here I used tiny sequins)
  • something to support shell on (here I used a soda pop cap)
  • Mod Podge Dimensional Magic™
  • metal charm of some sort
  • Household Goop glue (I wanted to use jewelry & metal glue, but see below)
  • waxed paper or kitchen parchment to protect work surface

The first step is to spread white glue over the inside of the shell and sprinkle glitter on it.  I’m not allowed to use glitter in the house, so I took everything outside. The glitter I’m using is in tiny bottles originally intended for nail art.

I made a little windbreak so the shell didn’t blow away and rested it on a bottle cap to dry.

I took it inside for the next step, which is to glue “focus beads” into the glittered shell with white glue.  For these beads I used a glass bead from a kit I bought at a thrift store.  It had split in half.

The book also calls for seed beads and “assorted other small beads,” but doesn’t tell you what to do with them.  I just globbed on some glue and tossed the seed beads on top of them.

Do NOT do this.  That goddamn blob of glue took for-fucking-EVER to dry.  About 12 hours.  I’m not shitting you.

I got so bored that I smeared on more glue with my finger and tried adding a tiny bit more glitter and some little sequins. (Also intended for nail art.  I’d show you the package, but it’s basically the same as the one in the first picture.)

At eight in the morning the glue looked clear, so I moved on to the next step.  The book wants you to fill the shell with resin, but 1: I didn’t have the kind required, 2: that shit costs $21 US and 3: I am worth $54 US and change at the moment.

So I decided to use the Mod Podge Dimensional Magic™ instead because I have it and this seems to kind of be its stated purpose.

Then I was overcome with exhaustion and went back to bed.

When I got up I thought at first that the Mod Podge hadn’t dried, but it seems that pouring Dimensional Glaze™ over tacky glue makes the tacky glue go all white again.  Also there is a HOLE in the glaze right over the bead half on the right.  Oh well, this was gonna be ugly anyway.

Next you are to glue the charm to the top of the shell and make sure the loop extends over the shell.  It’s an anchor in the book, so of course I couldn’t find one.  Found a dolphin, though!

As far as I can tell the loop is so you can also use the pin as a necklace.

I was going to use jewelry and metal glue for this, but I must have fucked up last time I used the stuff because IT WOULD NOT OPEN.  I even tried pliers.  A knife was out of the question because this sort of glue would just bond right to it.

So I got the trusty Household Goop out of my toolbox and used that.  These people should sponsor me, I use their glue so much.

The only problem with the Goop is that it doesn’t set right away.  You have to wait two hours for it to cure.

The book says use hot glue to attach a pin to the back, which struck me as an easy way for the shell to fall off the fucking pin while you wear it, so I used Goop for that too:

More waiting later:

time: about a day and a half
cost: around $19 US, add 14 bucks or so more if you use resin
injuries: frustration headache

You can buy this fantastic nautical pin here.

Check out what I have for you on ebay this week!

First editions:

  • Alfred Hitchcock’s Sinister Spies
  • TACK lot
  • Tiny Teeny Halloweeny Treasury illustrated by Mary Engelbreit
  • Alfred Hitchcock and the Three Investigators: The Mystery of the Whispering Mummy by Robert Arthur, illustrated by Harry Kane
  • Thieves’ World Graphics #3


  • Alfred Hitchcock’s Sinister Spies
  • TACK lot
  • Meg: Secret of the Witch’s Stairway by Holly Beth Walker
  • Tiny Teeny Halloweeny Treasury illustrated by Mary Engelbreit
  • Alfred Hitchcock and the Three Investigators: The Mystery of the Whispering Mummy by Robert Arthur, illustrated by Harry Kane
  • Thieves’ World Graphics #3


  • 2 TACK books by Marvin Miller, Nancy K. Robinson & Alan Tiegreen

Other stuff:

  • Return to Nuke ‘Em High Volume 1 DVD
  • Mr. Punch by Neil Gaiman & Dave McKean
  • Flower Fairies of the Spring by Cicely Mary Barker
  • Toraware no Mi no Ue (Captive Hearts) #1 by Matsuri Hino in Japanese

Please look!

Do what now? (sorry, source is lost in time.)

Do what now? (sorry, source is lost in time.)

I almost made one of these for this blog, but I couldn’t get tile filler.  It woulda looked just like this, I bet.

I almost made one of these for this blog, but I couldn’t get tile filler.  It woulda looked just like this, I bet.

Anonymous asked: is it racist when someone says i hate white people?


Yeah, I heard this is why white people make less money, are disproportionately targeted by the justice system and have fewer educational opportunities.


Unfriendly reminder that in America it’s reasonable to say an unarmed black kid deserved to be shot six times because he might have robbed a convenience store, but a white kid shouldn’t be kicked off the high school football team just because he violently raped a girl.

(via fireami)

In which I apologize once again for not having an update

I have a really good excuse this time!

Last week I found out that my problem reading dates and my procrastination when it comes to filling out forms meant that my food stamps and medicaid got cut off.  This is depressing.  However!  I am working on it.  This is not the excuse, just some background.

My computer won’t work.  It is a big rectangular gray brick right now.  And all of my three years of scanning library books for projects are on it.  Not to mention my only photos of my great-niece and 12 years of cat photos.

Since I am using my stepmother’s computer when she’s not on it, I did not really have the time to find a project online.

Sorry.  Maybe next week?

So sometimes when I take the pages out of a cover so I can make it into a journal I do this.  Here are eight books with new, soft covers.  I did the labels and junk.

Given the amount of work I put into them, the price I’m asking on etsy is cheap, but I don’t know if anyone actually wants this much ’70s romance in their lives.

Mom’s Cake With a File Inside

[This project is from Criminal Crafts by Shawn Gascoyne-Bowman.]

What you need to make this thing:

  • oven
  • cake mix
  • ingredients cake mix calls for
  • electric mixer or big spoon and bowl or something
  • rubber scraper
  • baking pan (or pans, depending on mix)
  • a little butter for the pan
  • a spoonful of cocoa for the pan if you’re using chocolate mix—flour if you’re not
  • toothpicks
  • cooling rack (optional, I guess you can also just put the pan on a burner)
  • something to put cake on to frost it
  • butter knife to loosen sides of cake
  • sharp knife
  • item(s) for stashing in cake
  • plastic wrap
  • ingredients for frosting or canned frosting
  • something with which to spread frosting

This project called for a two-layer cake but my mix only made one layer.  Oh well.

First of all, grease the bottom of the cake pan(s) with butter.  Coat the butter with flour if you are not doing chocolate cake, and cocoa if you are.

Preheat the oven according to box directions and start mixing the batter the way they tell you.

Mine was “just throw everything in the bowl and turn on the mixer,” which struck me as odd.

I made one layer and a small cupcake:

Bake according to directions as well.  I am pretty sure you can do this with from scratch cake too, but this is what the book called for.

Once the pan is cool enough that you can touch it, remove the cake from the pan and transfer it to where you’ll frost it.

Let the cake cool entirely.

Wrap the object(s) you intend to conceal inside the cake with plastic wrap.

Instead of hiding a file in the big cake, I went with a cel phone, as it is way smaller and easier to conceal.  The book also suggested handcuffs—but obviously a handcuff KEY would be much more useful.

I just pushed the key into the side of the cupcake.

Cut a big wedge out of the cake (if you’re doing a layer cake, this would be the top layer).

Then use your sharp knife to cut a space for the hidden object inside the wedge.

Put the stuffed wedge back into the cake—and there appears to be a problem:

Oh well, we’ll just fix that shit with the frosting.

Yeah, that’s not conspicuous at ALL.

Let the frosting set.  Go eat your extra cake bits.

Here are the results:

PLEASE never give someone a piece of cake or cupcake with something hidden in it without fucking TELLING them.  They could choke, or chip a tooth.

Also, this would not work to sneak an object anywhere there is security.  Don’t try that.  You’d get in trouble, and they’d take your cake (and perhaps your innocence) away.

time: around 4 hours
cost: I’m not sure, probably more than $20 US, it depends on ingredients
injuries: none this time, sorry


THIS JUST IN: only thin people are allowed to have chronic pain or chronic illnesses. Fat people with disabilities will be magically cured by weight loss. More at 11.

(via abeardfullofbees)